C.H.U.D. C.H.I.L.I.

Why, yes, that is an edible C.H.U.D., complete with carrot claws and olive eyes. Is it too terrifying to eat, or too cute? I'll let you decide.

Happy MoFo, everyone! Let's get this month-long party started! 
The theme I'm working with is 80's horror films. And what better film to start with than C.H.U.D.?

I grew up in Waco, TX, and the only place to rent movies was at a place called Flicks, which was in a tiny converted house wedged between the Piggly Wiggly and a full-service gas station. I was a frequent Flicks customer. My PawPaw drove me there every Friday and Saturday and I would easily watch between 4 to 6 horror films every weekend. There really wasn't much to do in Waco, TX, in the 80s before you were old enough to drive. My grandparents weren't too savvy about the movie titles, and they never ventured into Flicks themselves, so they didn't have a clue what I was watching. Seriously, I saw The Exorcist (alone!) at ten years old. And The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And The Amityville Horror. And on and on and on... Am I scarred for life? Maybe, but the point is this: My middle-aged brain is now full of mildly useless trivia and quotes from all the horror movies I watched as a kid. And now I'm going to parlay that knowledge into fun recipes for the purpose of Vegan MoFo 2014. Woo Haw!

C.H.U.D. (1984)

C.H.U.D. - if you didn't already know - stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. The movie is terrible, but a lot of fun to watch. This one is particularly special to me because it is the only horror film I ever watched with my grandparents in the room. I was horrified the entire time it played, but MeeMaw and PawPaw chuckled in the background and chatted with each other, probably just bored and wishing they were playing dominoes or something.

I really want to get my hands on the C.H.U.D. DVD because, apparently, there is a fantastic commentary track that is "better that MST3K" (according to a reviewer on the movie's IMDB page). Being a huge fan of MST3K, I need to find out if this is true. I suspect it might be, as Daniel Stern is one of the commentators and that guy is hilarious.

So, anyway, on to my first MoFo creation, C.H.U.D. C.H.I.L.I!

I topped my C.H.U.D. C.H.I.L.I. with sliced and browned
Tofurky Italian Sausages and fresh pico de gallo.

1 cup vegetable broth, or more as needed
Half a white or yellow onion, diced
4 cloves garlic, crushed and minced
1 red bell pepper, diced (can sub green if you're broke)
2 large carrots, peeled and chopped
1 large zucchini, peeled and chopped (don't peel if it's organic)
1 jalapeno, seeded and minced
1 28-ounce can pinto beans, drained and rinsed
1 15-ounce can black beans, drained and rinsed
1 28-ounce can diced tomatoes
1 6-ounce can tomato paste 
1/2 teaspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon dried oregano
Pinch of cayenne pepper
Salt and pepper, to taste
1 bunch fresh cilantro, coarsely chopped

• In a large pot, get your vegetable broth cooking over medium-high heat. Once it's pretty toasty, toss in your onion, garlic and carrots. Saute them in the broth until they begin to soften. This only takes a few minutes. Don't let your veggies turn to mush.
• Add the zucchini, bell pepper, jalapeno and spices. Cook for a couple of minutes. Add more broth if needed, just to keep things from sticking.
• Throw in your beans, diced tomatoes and tomato paste. Cover and cook for about half an hour on medium-low heat, stirring occasionally. Dribble in some extra broth to get it to the texture you like. Some folks like thick chili, some like it runny. 
• When it's about ten minutes from being ready, toss in your cilantro. I like to give the cilantro just enough time to flavor the chili, but not overcook it so that it stays bright green and beautiful.
• Keep tasting and tweaking every now and then. You might want more spices or more beans. This chili is very forgiving. Just get it to the point that it tastes fantastic to YOU.
• I like to top my chili with sliced and browned sausages (Tofurkey's Italian Sausages are only $2.99 at Trader Joe's right now!) and fresh pico de gallo. You can also try some vegan sour cream or vegan cheese! Vegan queso is delicious on this too.
• Enjoy, and don't get too close to any steamy manholes.

Oh, The Horror!

Yes, these are my actual eyes. My six-year-old daughter did the make up for me.
80s horror film make up? Nailed it!

Vegan MoFo 2014 is about to start and (especially since I missed it last year), I am super fired up for a great run this time around. I've got two previous MoFo's under my belt, but I've never done a theme before. I've never really been able to settle on one - there's so much weird crap that I like to talk about! I love sci-fi and can pretty much talk all day about the minutia therein, but there are already a handful of sci-fi themed MoFo'ers this year. My favorite movie of all time is Aliens, but Chestburster Chorizo and FaceHugger Falafel just don't sound all that appetizing. Don't steal this idea, though! I might go for it next year.
I also love The Walking Dead, but someone did that a couple of years back and it was fabulous - they made a necklace with ear-shaped bread strung on it a la Daryl Dixon. I ask you, how can I top that?!
But there is one thing that I am almost embarrassed to admit I know a lot about, because I was a teenager in the 80s, and because I was weird. 80s horror flicks. There probably isn't a single one I haven't seen. Granted, it's been a zillion years since I've watched any of them, but I loved them so much! They were terrible, even then, but so much fun to watch. So, that's the theme I'm gonna go with. See you come MoFo 2014 time! Only two more days to go...

So, Basically I'm a Genius

I discovered something wonderful. 

If you put this...

and this...

together like this...

it totally tastes like this!

You're welcome.

Apricot Coconut Oatmeal Clusters

You know how some people do some stuff to relief stress in their lives? Like, my husband loves to read boring philosophy books and write songs on his guitar. That's just how the guy unwinds. My neighbor is a gardener and a fairly hardcore churchgoer - that's what blows his hair back. You know what I mean? We all have that thing that we love to do, and it makes us feel really good, and without it we get really, really wound up. For me, it's baking. I mean, seriously, I freakin' love to bake! But I'm... well... what's the PC term for it... I'm - uh - differently weighted... I'm gravitationally challenged... You get me? I'm fat, people! I'm a fat herbivore. Yes, they do exist! And I don't have a problem with being fat. My husband thinks I'm sexy, so it really doesn't bother me too much, with the exception of the fact that I am forever destroying the poor underwires in my bras and my knees are begging for mercy 24/7. There's also the desire to live long enough to meet my grandchildren and to enjoy the twilight years of retirement, kickin' back on the shore outside my imaginary lake house. So! To that end, I am always trying to create baked goods that are at least moderately healthy, but definitely succulent. But not SO succulent that I eat forty at a sitting. To that end, I introduce my latest home-bakery creation, the Apricot Coconut Oatmeal Cluster. It was meant to be a cookie, but it came out more like a clustery thing, so there ya go. There's no oil or butter in it, and minimal sugar (compared to my standard baked fare), plus it's jam-packed with fiber, so it's a win-win! Give these li'l cuties a try. You'll love 'em and you don't even have to feel guilty about eating them.

1 ripe banana, mashed with a fork

1/4 cup unsweetened applesauce

1/2 cup sugar

1/4 cup liquid sweetener (I used agave, but maple syrup'd work)

2 tablespoons almond milk

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 1/2 cup rolled oats

1/2 cup whole wheat flour

1/4 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Dash of nutmeg

1/2 to 1 cup dried apricots, coarsely chopped

1/4 to 1/2 cup unsweetened coconut flakes*

• Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
• Spray a large cookie sheet with baking spray, or use parchment paper or a SilPat.
• Mix the banana, applesauce, sugar, liquid sweetener, milk and vanilla together in a large bowl. 
• On top of the wet mixture, gently add the dry ingredients, but do not stir until you have everything added.
• Stir gently until just mixed.
• Gently fold in the apricots and coconut flakes. 
• *Side Note: I used organic unsweetened coconut flakes, which is what you see in the picture, not standard shredded coconut. But I think you could just about use anything in these clusters and it would taste nice. For example, you could eliminate the cinnamon and nutmeg and throw in some dark chocolate chips in place of the coconut. Or some nuts! Feel free to play around with the recipe and share your results in the comments.
• Drop by rounded teaspoon onto cookie sheet (I used a small cookie scoop).
• Bake for 15 minutes.
• Enjoy with an ice cold glass of almond milk or a cup of hot Earl Grey tea. Delicious!

Catching You Up + Cauliflower Puree

Before I type anything else, I have this to say...

Robin Williams - with your kind eyes, your super fast wit and your hilariously spastic comedic delivery - you were the star of my youth ("Nanu, nanu!"), the lead in the film that defined my love of poetry and books ("Carpe diem, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.") and just an all-around amazing performer whom this world will miss very much. Your legacy will live on in the smiles and laughter of many generations to come. Truly, I hope you have found peace.

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Texas Suicide Prevention

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

In other news, my mom is still recovering from the stroke she had back in December, the ginormous stroke that took her speech, her ability to read and write, her ability to really do anything at all, and prompted me write the former post declaring that my blogging days were over.
But I'm sure you knew, somewhere deep down inside, that you wouldn't get rid of me that easily. You did, right?!
I am happy to report that, although my mother still hasn't fully regained her ability to speak, nor the gifts of reading and writing, she is fully autonomous in every other way, and is even cooking and sewing again.

In more other news, I was watching a documentary about the Galapagos today while I was cooking dinner (which I chose for the sole purpose of thinking it would be innocuous if my kid walked in) and my five-year-old just happened to wander into the room right when the narrator started talking about illegal and reprehensible shark-finning. Lila flipped! She said, "They cut the fins off of that shark! And it was awake, Mom!" She was so unbelievably pissed about it, she said, "Mom, I want to start my own TV show and tell people about how we should treat animals." So, now I give you the very first episode of "Live Action TV with Lila." Enjoy!
P.S. The chocolate smeared on her face is the subject of an upcoming, and very delicious, post. As we say in the TV biz, stay tuned!

In more other other news...
I recently had a lovely staph infection in two places - on my face and my boobs. Yep! That's me - ol' staph  knockers. [drops mic and walks away]...
Don't ask me how this happened. I have been under a lot of stress lately and I think my immune system just said, "Aw, screw this. I'm goin' on vacation." Anyhoo, I took an antibiotic to clear that mess up, and another antibiotic for an ear infection. And yet another for a stomach problem that I'm pretty sure was caused by the first two antibiotics. So, you guessed it, I am now the poster child for systemic candidiasis. If you don't know what that is, look it up. It sucks.
Medicine won't fix my candidiasis, which I know for certain because I was given three months worth of candida-killing pills and all they did was make it worse. I am now achy, chronically-fatigued, grouchy, overwhelmingly sleepy 24/7, bloated and crazy with allergies and acne. Candidiasis blows chunks, and I have given up on medicine. To that end, I ordered a book from Amazon called The Candida Cure and I am now on the Candida Diet, which eschews gluten, potatoes, mushrooms, wine, all forms of sugar (even "natural" ones), anything fermented (good-bye kombucha, I'll miss you!) NSAID pain relievers, corticosteroids, and even tofu! But if it works, it will be well worth the effort. I will keep you posted on my progress.

Tonight I made my first Candida Diet dinner, consisting of a salad with veggies and a delicious cauliflower puree.

I am obsessed with the show Master Chef and I am always drooling over those purees they make. Parsnip puree, sweet potato puree, cauliflower puree. You name it, they've cooked it up and pureed it. And it always looks amazing! So, I thought I would give it a try in place of mashed potatoes. And, you know what? It was delicious!

Here's the recipe:

1 head of cauliflower (rinsed and cut into pieces)
1/2 cup vegetable broth or no-chicken stock
2 tablespoons vegan butter (Earth Balance works best for me)
Salt and pepper, to taste

• Place the cauliflower and the broth into a medium-size stock pot.
• Cover with a lid and bring to a boil. 
• Turn down the heat to medium-low and allow the cauliflower to steam in the broth. It takes anywhere from 15 to 20 minutes.
• Remove the lid and add the butter.
• Place everything into a food processor and whirl it around until smooth and creamy.
• Salt and pepper to taste. 
• Enjoy!

"Bye! Until next day!"
-- Lila, from Live Action TV with Lila